[Drops newspaper on the floor]
What is this obsession with my salary? Every day the media, politicians and the general public keep complaining that British senior executives are paid too much. I have the right to earn £6.7m a year after all I am the CEO of a FTSE 100 company. I worked hard to earn my millions. First class degree from Oxford, an MBA from Columbia, former president of the Directors Guild; yet some low life complains that my pay isn’t justified.
[Picks up paper with the headline FTSE CEOs earn 386 times more than workers on national living wage, and reads]
The people who educate our children, look after our grandparents, and keep our families safe have seen their pay frozen, while fat cat CEOs continue to gorge themselves on obscene and undeserved rewards.
[Scratches bald head]
What utter nonsense. I deserve every penny I get. What do teachers, social care workers, garbage collectors and doctors do? They work long hours doing nothing. The world will continue to exist without these peasants, but if I decide to leave my job, everything in London will come to a standstill.
According to a study by High Pay Centre, It would now take the typical UK worker 160 years to rake in the average annual amount handed to a FTSE 100 boss.
That is none of my business. For all I care, it could take them a million years to earn what I get in a year. It’s my entitlement and no one should blame me for the laziness of others.
[Picks up desk calendar and flips the pages backward]
Wednesday 4th of January 2017; what a day.
The first Wednesday of every year will always be my favourite day of the year. The day means so much to me even more than my birthday, more than my wedding anniversary, more than the day my wife gave birth to my beautiful daughter who I named Wednesday. By the lunchtime of the first Wednesday of every January, I would have earned more money than what the average UK worker would earn in a year. On the first Wednesday of the year I get to work around 6 am, sit down, wiggle my thumbs and look at the clock. At 12:30 pm, I head for the golf club. As teachers are attending to unruly students throughout the year, as care workers are carrying sick patients, as cleaners are emptying the dustbin, as neurosurgeons are carrying out complex operations, I can afford to play golf and sleep for the remaining 362 and a half days of the year. Life is fair.
[Returns from toilet and watches Bloomberg TV]
Abacus shares rose 10% after the company announced plans to cut 15,000 jobs. The layoffs may come as soon as this week and could affect employees in the company’s Dundee operation. Last June, the FTSE 100 Company cut 5,000 jobs as part of a previously announced restructuring.
[Stands up and claps hands]
Excellent. That’s what I am talking about. With Brexit round the corner, Britain needs to be more productive. The wages we pay workers is affecting the profitability of many companies. I have made plans to replace my workers with robots. This will be a win-win situation for me. The cost base will reduce, profitability will increase, the analysts will be happy, the company’s share price will go up, EPS will hit my share option target which will increase my bonus.
[Switches channel to BBC and listens to Labour’s leader Jeremy Corbyn’s speech]
… It was their wealthy friends in the City who crashed our economy. How dare they ruin the economy with their recklessness and greed and then punish those who had nothing to do with it? It was not pensioners, nurses, the low or averaged paid workers or carers who crashed the economy. The Conservatives boast of record numbers of jobs. But what good is that if people in work are getting poorer and don’t share in the profits of that economy while the Conservatives look after the wealthy few?
This Corbyn guy really irritates me. He is the most dangerous man in Britain and would wreck the economy if he gets into power.
Under Labour’s plans, 95 per cent of taxpayers will be guaranteed no increase in their income tax contributions, and everyone will be protected from any increase in personal National Insurance contributions and VAT. Only the top 5 per cent of earners will be asked to contribute more in tax to help fund our public services.
[Face turns red]
This is nothing more than the politics of envy. I am not going to allow any communist touch my hard earned money. If Corbyn becomes Prime Minister, I will leave this country and relocate to where I have kept my money offshore. I have to call my friends in Westminster to find out what they are doing to block this socialist from taking over. Corbyn must be stopped by any means necessary because he is waking up the masses. The media are even giving him airtime. I should use my next bonus payment to lobby government officials to legislate banning any politician who champions populist policies which favour the masses. Why should my money be taxed to fund the lifestyle of people on benefits? I am a self-made man. My parents sent me to a £32,000 a year private school; I did my internship with a private bank founded by my friend’s great granddad; I got good grades in school; when my company made some risky investment bets a few years ago the British taxpayer bailed us out. If I can make it on my own, why can’t these low lives cease the opportunity rather than playing the inequality card?
[Reads a passage from the Fawcett Society report on Gender pay by ethnicity]
Black African women have seen virtually no progress since the 1990s in closing the gender pay gap with White British men, with a full-time pay gap of 21.4% in the 1990s and 19.6% today. When part-time workers are included this figure rises to 24%.
This gender and racial equality debate drives me nuts. It is a myth created by feminists and black people playing the race card. The pay gap has nothing to do with paying black people or women less, let alone with racism or sexism. It has to do with differences in individual career choices. Black men and women are more interested in security and cleaning jobs, after all the black men we employ in this company man the security gate. Women are preoccupied with having babies instead of managing companies.
The lack of minority ethnic women in management or leadership roles is another major contributor to the gender pay gap. Diversity of leadership and decision-making is key and good for organisational performance.
What a joke. I’ve been in so many executive meetings and noticed that women and blacks don’t fit in. If they feel uncomfortable in meetings with pale stale white males like me, why should diversifying the leadership be good for companies? What do they bring to the table? I remember we once had a black man from our South African subsidiary in a meeting. When my fellow white colleagues started discussing quintessential English issues like the weather, bacon roll and England’s failure at every World Cup, he couldn’t understand why we Brits are so obsessed with such silly things. The same thing happens when we invite token women into our meetings and start to talk about golf and cars. Imagine what we would be discussing if we had a diversified leadership. Probably, we’d be talking about nappies, Kunta Kinte or Serena Williams exploits on the courts.
[Reads the Financial Herald article – ‘No credible link between executive pay and firm’s performance]
The study of businesses listed on the FTSE 350 by Lancaster University Management School found that the increase in pay since 2003 was largely down to performance-related bonuses. This was despite the fact that the median FTSE 350 Company generated little in the way of a meaningful economic profit over the period 2003-2014. This study is likely to provide reformers with fresh evidence that a shake-up of Britain’s bloated corporate remuneration system is overdue.
This study is flawed because it diminishes the work we do as senior executives. I am a Master of the universe who has been sent by God to do his work. I determine the lives of the 100,000 employees around the world who report to me. Apart from that, I help companies succeed by assisting them with capital funding. Companies that succeed create wealth. These successful companies are then in a position to employ more people which leads to more success and wealth. I deserve every penny of the £6.7 million that I earn. Some may accuse me of being greedy, but as my good friend Gordon Gekko would say, greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms — greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge — has marked the upward surge of mankind. Greed for lack of a better word is good.
[Picks up bag and heads to the golf course]